The curse of Robert Parrish
http://s19.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=s19southeastofdisorderHappy Mardi Gras to all. Enjoy a nice New Orleans style Hurricane and put it on the Blog's tab, and catch the beads the blog is throwing. Tonight is Fat Tuesday, a really underrated holiday. I don't know what it is or even why it's celebrated, I googled it and still did't find the answer, so I'm just going to assume its a holiday celebrating all the great things that Uncle Jesse Consopolous has done for us. I can tell you this about Mardi Gras, alcohol plus beads equals fun.
Now on to the important stuff, the city of Boston is in trouble. Brighams has gallons and gallons of Reverse the curse ice cream with nothing to do with it. There are Break the Curse cookies sitting in some warehouse by the hundreds. The guys who change the reverse curve sign on storrow drive to reverse the curse are bored, and I think someone cryogenically froze Dan Shaughnessy because he has nothing to write about. Bostonians dont have reverse the curse T-shirts, books, movies, hats, band-aids, popsicle sticks, toothpicks, or cereal to waste there money on anymore, and they're looking for a new way to blow some coin (By the way, I wrote this whole thing just so I could write the words blow some coin and justify it.) Now there is a curse out there, and it is being ignored by legions of Boston sports fans who soon need to realize about the hauntings of Robert Parish.
If you look up curse and Robert Parish it will most likely lead you to the theory of some Golden State fans, who call the trading of the Chief, Chief's revenge. It is believed by some that when Parish left California he left a curse disallowing Golden State to ever win a playoff series. Well I will tell you where Parish left his real curse, here in Boston. Parish was the only member of the big three (Mchale, Bird, Parish) not to retire in a Celtic uniform. Now Parish wasn't exactly the perfect citizen, he was accused of beating his wife, and plead guilty to receiving 100 lbs of marijauna from fed ex. Which leads me to this, do you really want to mess with a guy who is receiving 100 pounds of weed in the mail, especially if the guy is 7 ft tall and is nicknamed Chief? Well when Robert left the Celtics he was so angry he placed a curse on the Celtics: The Celtics will be forever cursed with terrible players at the center position. And that's it. Now here is a list of Celtic Centers begginning in 94-95, the teams first year without Robert.
Eric Montross
Acie Earl
Pervis Ellison
Alton Lister
Frank Brickowski
Brett Szabo
Steve Hamer
Marty Conlon
Stacy King
Travis Knight
Andrew Declerq
Zan Tabak
Roy Rodgers
Vitaly Potapenko
Eric Riley
Tony Battie
Dwayne Schintzius
Mark Blount
Jerome Moiso
Bruno Sundov
Ruben Wolkowyski
Mikki Moore
Chris Mihm
Now if that isn't a curse I don't know what is. That's right, a dozen big white stiffs, not that I dislike big white stiffs, they just shouldn't be your starter unless you have guys like Bird, Magic, and Michael in your backcourt. Those are 23 amazingly bad NBA centers in all. Not one has any right starting in the NBA. Here's just a short run down on a few of these players. Alton Lister- When the Sports Illustrated ranked every player in the NBA for the 94-95 season, Lister was listed as last, he also had the worst overall ranking in that years version of NBA Live. That made it unanomous, he was the worst player in the NBA, and he started half the season for us, everyone in Boston should of known there was a curse right away. I can't even believe a guy named Ruben Wolkowyski played in the NBA. His career was all of 6 games long, all 6 of which came with the Celts. The highest season scoring average for any one of these guys with the Celtics is Mark Blount's 10.7 points per a game, Parish's worst season with the team he averaged more. It's been 11 years, and the most production we have received from a center is 10 poinst a game. In fact I'm not even mad about it, because that is amazing. Spanning between 1957 and 1994 they had only one of three guys go into the season as the starting center, Bill Russell, Dave Cowens, and Parish. That is 37 consecutive years with a hall of famer as the starter, and then all of a sudden this drop off happens. A huge drop off in one of the most prestigous positions in the league was at one point almost unthinkable. Think of it this way, your not goign to see Quentin Tarantino star Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in his next film, and your not going to see Guns and Roses get back together but bring Ashlee Simpson into the group and kick Axle out, so how did the team with 37 years of dominance in the pivot turn to Steve Hamer, it had to of been a curse, and the only logical explanation is Parish. The other two members of the Big Three ended there careers happily in Boston, while Parish toiled away on the bench in Charlotte and played the role of Michael Jordan's personal caddy in Chicago. The Celtics finally had a shot over the summer to bring a solid center into town, with a good amount of room under the cap, lots of trade bait with three first round picks and a superstar in Pierce who needed to be moved. Parish saw this and gave Danny Ainge a chance to lift the curse. There was a coaching vacancy left after 3 months of misery with interim coach John Kerry (Carroll.) Robert openly asked Danny for the job, and Danny declined. Now I'm sure Danny's logic was he didn't want a pothead womanizer coaching at the time, but Danny's logic was wrong. Now think about it this way, if the Red Sox had Babe Ruth asking to coach there team after he had retired, I'm sure he would of been hired, not because he was alcoholic who also womanized, but because it was the only logical way to break the so called curse. Now I'm pretty sure Parish is sitting at home, as your read this, with a voo doo doll, some of JOBU'S rum, and a bong laughing at the Celtics for signing Mark Blount to what might as well be a lifetime contract. A move that certainly would not of happened if Danny had signed Parish to coach the team. The pivot is the most important position in the NBA right now, and without a decent big man the Celtics will not contend for another title.
So your welcome Brigham's, welcome back Reverse Curve guys, reopen the bakeries break the curse cookie creators, somebody thaw out Dan Shaugnessy, because I have completely fabricated another curse for Boston fans to jump on. Hopefully 86 years from now when Mark Blounts contract is up and the Celtics sign a decent big man, there won't be riots because of it.
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