A Seinfeldian view of Mavericks-Heat
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As the NBA playoffs came to a close Tuesday night, I decided to write a little Seinfeldian recap of what has taken place.
"We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you. Berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George... Hot Tub!" -Mr. Steinbrenner to George Costanza
This is for Mark Cuban. Cubes, its time to take a break this summer, relax, stay out of the spotlight, and maybe jump around in a big vat of money like the one in Ducktales. Your rich, do what you want as long as it means not tinkering with this team. You have turned the Mavs from a perennial loser into a team two wins from a championship. The team has progressed, San Antonio was conquered, and Avery Johnson has earned another year with these guys. Try not to be too big a distraction and let your basketball people figure things out.
"Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!" -Babu to Jerry Seinfeld
This is for the Dallas fans. It's a tight game 6, roughly 4 minutes to go and your team needs one last push. This is it, let it all hang out for your team. The Mavericks fans were silent down the stretch. They sounded defeated long before the final buzzer sounded. I don't know if TO has already killed every sports fan in Dallas, but this would never happen in New York, Boston, or Chicago. Never.
"It must've seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bedsheets." Elaine Benes about David Puddy
Here's too Shaq who just like Puddy is a large burly man with a childish mind that makes him such a likeable character. Shaq's skills as a player may of diminished, he may of been lazy and out of shape coming into this season, but he will never take too much flack for it because he is such a likeable player. He's a 7 foot 350 pound kid. He's always there for a good quote to the media and seemed to be the heart and soul of this team all year long. We may of just witnessed the last good run he has left in him. Here's to hoping he sticks around the game in some way or another after he retires, his character is good for the NBA.
"You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
"Oh yeah, Riley? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller." -George and Riley
Here's to Gary Payton, your all out of zingers. One of the best trash talkers in history can no longer back up any of his talk. It's time to go away. Not only has his play and value dropped considerably, but it seems he has completely lost his mind. During Game 6 he caused what at the time was a costly turnover because he decided to have a conversation with the referee mid game. The turnover led to an eventual Stackhouse 3 pointer. It's always an odd feeling watching a great player who has hung on way too long. If he doesn't hang it up now, then hopefully he will go to Seattle for a final farewell, and then we can be done with him.
"What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?"
"What?"
"Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."
"No we're not. We're not men."
-Jerry and George
For Erick Dampier and Desagna Diop. Both have had times in the last few years where they have disappointed. So here's how to solve that, work out as hard as humanly possible with each other over the off season. Diop made leaps and bounds this year by simply losing weight and getting into shape. Now continue the transformation and work on a few low post moves, then Dallas has a very good center for the future. Dampier has proven when motivated he can be a very good center in this league, that is until he gets the money he wants. He had a good series against Shaq, now he needs to get in the gym and find a way to motivate himself. If he rests on his laurels all summer he will become the token overpaid bench player for the Mavs.
"Who wants to have some fun?" -Cosmo Kramer
For Michael Doleac, after all, what could be more fun than being the token white guy for an NBA championship.
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist." -George Costanza
For Dwayne Wade, who secured a spot in the conversation when it comes to talking about the most dominate playoff performances in history. Throughout the playoffs and finals he found ways to get to the rim and the free throw line. He hit miraculous shot after miraculous shot. He also knew when to take over, and when to let Shaq, Antoine, and Jason Williams get there touches. A simply legendary performance.
"Columbus, Eurotrash" -Jerry
To Dirk Nowitki who could of been the first foreign born superstar to win an NBA title. He struggled to get it going in the finals, which unfortunately may mean the rest of his playoffs will be forgotten. It seemed Dirk had finally proved he could dominate on the big stage. He knocked off Duncan and Nash. If he played in the finals the way he did against San Antonio and Phoenix the idea the of European players being soft may of finally been thrown out the window. Instead we can now look forward to another year of experts questioning the toughness of European's. Congratulations Dirk, not only did you let down your country and your continent, but you let Hasselhoff down as well.
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
- Sidra
To Pat Riley and his 5 rings. Riley did what he set out to do. Love him or hate him, he is going down as one of the best of all time. This sealed it, if he doesn't win another game his legacy is set.
"My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
"You've made some fine exits." - George and Jerry
Finally, to Stan Van Gundy. It's got to hurt knowing that you leaving is one of the biggest reasons the Heat won. Hopefully you find a job in the NBA as a head coach in the near future, but let's face it. Riley is an NBA legend, you can't possibly hold yourself to his type of standards. Hopefully your stache has helped you land on your feet and your living it up in the world of late night Cinemax. Rest happily knowing your exit may of been the best thing that ever happened to this team.
Len Bias: Legend or Lesson
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I do not have any memory at all from the passing of Len Bias. I was only 4 years old at the time, but growing up a Celtics fan I've heard a number of stories, and have come to realize what he could of meant to the franchise as well as what some people think he could of done for the NBA in general. Up until a day ago I always thought of Bias as a guy who could of been a regular in the All-Star game, may of been the difference for 1 or 2 Celtics titles at the tail end of the Bird era, and possibly made some noise teaming up with Reggie Lewis in the early nineties. I have not heard many people claim much more than this, this would of made for a very good NBA career. Then I traveled to ESPN's website, and apparently I was lied to growing up or something is really out of the ordinary with the world wide leader.
I will start with a column written by Scoop Jackson. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/060619_bias) Let me begin by saying I'm not a fan of much of Scoop's work so normally would not even bother to critique any of it because I would waste too much of my own time doing so. We begin with Scoop calling Len Bias a martyr. Wait, let me rephrase that, a #$@!ing martyr. Here are the Webster definitions for martyr 1 : person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion
2 : a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle.
It is widely accepted that Len Bias died of a drug overdose when he decided to celebrate being drafted with a little cocaine. He did not die for a religous or political purpose and he certainly did not sacrafice his life for any principle belief. He instead died because he celebrated in excess. I will not even bother to delve into the rest of the column, outside of saying Scoop chooses to call Len "LB" throughout. There is only one LB who has dawned a Celtic uniform, enough said. If you choose to read on past the martyr section of the column, be prepared for the mentioning of Michael Jordan, Lebron James, Tupac Shakur, and Martin Luther King in an article about someone who never set foot on the court in an NBA jersey.
Now onto a column by Bomani Jones (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jones/060619) I know nothing about Bomani Jones, have no history with his writing so I would consider myself not to be biased (no pun intended) when it comes to his writing. The article starts with Bomani buying a Len Bias Boston Celtics jersey out of the back of a Ford Tempo. I would normally follow this up a question along the lines of, why are you buying a jersey out of the back of a Ford Tempo? But there is too much to work with here and I don't have time for how rediculous this start is. Now onto this statement from Bomani: "Without question, Len Bias has influenced my life and the lives of my generation more than any other. He might be the most influential athlete of the 20th century." This could go on for hours, so I will only name a few I consider to be more influential, and not by a small margin either. Let me begin with Jackie Robinson, broke the baseball color barrier. Something wildly more important than anything Len Bias ever did or dreamed of doing. If it weren't for Robinson there is a good chance no one would of never heard of Len Bias. How about Lance Armstrong? Lance has survived cancer, inspiring those victimized by the disease and now financially he is helping to create forward progress in the fight against cancer. Did Bomani forget Jesse Owens, did he skip over the part of history involving Joe Louis, and I know Bomani was around for the movie "Miracle," could he of thought that it was a fictional tale?
Mr. Jones goes on to play the same martyr card Scoop had in the previous article. Unlike Scoop, Bomani actually attempts to explain why he considers Bias a martyr. I'm not buying what he's selling, but at least he gives some reasoning.
The last column of the group belongs to Bill Simmons. It's from "The Sports Guy Vault" meaning it was written a ways back. In this case it was June 20, 2001. I have been a huge fan of Simmons and usually enjoy his columns to the point where I creepily check the ESPN website multiple times a day hoping he's written something new, but I can not defend much of what he says here. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/vault) First Simmons writes about Bias as if he were a family member, using language you would only use in describing a loved one. If you didn't know that in reality Bias was a complete stranger to Simmons, never mind family, you may be easily fooled. Bias was a Celtic for 48 hours, and this is the only connection between the two. Almost anything could have happened in Len's career, and it's funny when you think some of the things that could of left Bill writing about if Bias lived, just not to Bill's expectations. What would Simmons be writing if Bias lived? What if Bias fled the Celtics in 1993 for a bigger contract with San Antonio, teaming up with David Robinson for 3 titles while the Celtics floundered? Simmons would probably call Bias every name in the book the same way he does Roger Clemens. What if it had been the other way around and Clemens passed away in '86? Simmons would of written about how "The Rocket" would of launched the Red Sox to multiple '90's World Series rings.
Simmons goes on to compare Bias to a handful of NBA superstars, including Michael Jordan. Here is where my knowledge of Bias comes in a little fuzzy, but if he was this good why was he drafted #2? If he was the next Michael Jordan, then was Brad Daugherty the next Wilt Chamberlain at the time?
I am not going to argue that Len Bias was not a great college player, I was only 3 years old when he was a senior, my argument would be filled with made up garbage, which is what it seems some of these columnists chose to do. I see Bias as someone who should be seen as someone who young athletes can learn from. He was killed by excessive drug use that could kill anyone. In no way should he be seen as a martyr, looked at as a hero, or worshipped in anyway. Young athletes have enough poor "role models" shoved in there faces on a daily basis. Only time can tell the future, and Len Bias never did get to realize his full potential. No one really knows what could of happened, but if you write for ESPN you can pretend to know.
Get me on that Blue Devil Bandwagon
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"With the 7th selection in the 2006 NBA draft, the Boston Celtics select: J.J. Redick out of Duke University"
This very phrase would make many Celtics fans skin crawl come Draft Day. Redick may be the most scrutinized 2 time player of the year award winner in history. Many experts have spent the past two years picking him apart and turning him into an average NBA prospect who could go as late as the early twenties in this year's draft. He was the most hated player in the country last year, and couldn't leave Durham without being bombarded with insults. If you mention his name in College Park, MD you are bound to hear a 20 minute rant that at some point questions his sexual preference. Despite all this Redick won his second Player of the Year award this past season, and continued to improve his all around game for the fourth year in a row. So what is it that the "experts" see, or don't see for that matter in Redick?
The most consistent knock on J.J.'s NBA prospects is a myth that many seem to think he won't be able to get his shot off at the NBA level. Some come right out and say it, while others use terms like, "Must prove he can score against elite level athletes." (http://www.nbadraft.net/profiles/jjredick.asp) The basis of this theory is that Redick does not have a 40 inch verticle leap, and in all reality looks like he has more of a future as a preppy, smug, grad student at Duke than as competition for Dwayne Wade. What this theory lacks is anything substantial to support it. As a freshman Redick dropped 30 points against current Denver Nuggett Julius Hodge. In his sophmore campaign it was a 23 point performance against last year's consensus rookie of the year Chris Paul. As a Junior it was 18 against a UNC team who had 4 players all drafted in the first round in the last years draft, including #2 pick Marvin Williams. For his senior year it was a staggering 27 points a game while playing in the best conference in the land. Every team focused it's defense on him, running 2 to 3 guys at him per possession. This is a luxury teams can not afford when it comes to a jump shooter in the NBA, and proved how devastating Redick truely is from the outside. No one has ever dominated the college game strictly from the outside the way Redick has, imagine what he could do against with only one guy guarding him.
Character issues have risen since a recent DUI charge against Redick. Let me remind you, J.J. is a senior in college. While I in no way condone drinking and driving, the majority of college students have done it at some point or another, some get caught and others don't. J.J.'s teammates and coaches seem to really like him, and when it comes to basketball that's what truely matters. He did not pull a Kobe and get charged with rape, he got caught doing something that should in no way reflect on his draft status. (Side Note: This is unless of course GM's find he has a Vin Baker like case of alcoholism, in that case get away immediately and consider this piece of writing irrelevant.) Redick has chown plenty of character in being so thick skinned when it comes to fan criticism. As mentioned earlier Redick has been victimized by almost every insult one can imagine in visiting gymnasium's. This speaks volumes about his ability to play in a place where he will hear his fair share of jeers like Boston.
The biggest reason I have for drafting him is this, the absolute worst he could be is another Steve Kerr. A three point and free throw specialist who is used late in games to either seal the deal at the line or hit a clutch three. I know your thinking why would we draft someone who could be the next Steve Kerr? Well the answer is what is wrong with Steve Kerr? He was a contributor on championship teams. Look at the potential #1 Tyrus Thomas, he could be the next Chris Bosh, but he could also be the next Yinka Dare. J.J. Redick is a safe pick, anyone who is consistent from the outside and at the line can contribute. Now Redick's ceiling is another story. At his best he could be Peja Stojakovich with a killer insinct. Redick has proven not to be soft, and has made plenty of big shots in his college career. He is known for throwing three point daggers to put away opposing teams. He has that intangible that Peja doesn't have, the intangible that has kept Peja from being a great player since he came into the league.
The last reason I have for wanting J.J. in a celtic uniform is he is exactly what this team needs. Paul Pierce has had zero confidence in his teammated over the last year. You can see it in the way he plays on the offensive end. Constantly taking shots he should not take rather than watch Tony Allen brick another wide open three. The only guys he gives it up to are Delonte and Raef. Delonte because hes has proven himself as a scorer, and Raef because they are old college buddies. J.J. will open things up for Pierce's drives and mid-range game. He will keep opposing guard's honest at the defensive end because anyone who has watched Duke play over the last four years knows you can't leave him open. He has improved his upper body strength and developed more of an NBA body. He's shown quick hands and compiled good steal numbers in his last season at Duke, proving he may not be such a liability on the defensive end as so many claim he will be.
I know some people think J.J. is overhyped because of the color of his skin and I'm not seeing it. I go to get my hair cut in a Roxbury barber shop, it's a black neighborhood with all black barbers and I usually have conversations about the NBA with a particular barber there. The man is a die hard Celtics fan who is not shy when it comes to critiqueing players. The first thing he said to me when I sat down in the barber chair was, "We need J.J."
Hunting Season
http://s19.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=s19southeastofdisorder It's hunting season in and around Fenway Park again, and if someone doesn't start regulating this situation Red Sox fans are going to go the way of the Dodo. Over the past fifteen years Red Sox Nation has expanded faster than the Roman Empire ever dreamed. Unfortunately members of Red Sox Nation are being hunted by greedy and evil individuals. These individuals have proven to be much more adept in the field of hunting than Elmer Fudd or our current Vice President. There camoflague and ability to hide has kept us from spotting them before they can financially wound us.
Baseball viewership was something that used to be a blue collar hobby. This is something that you see if you can look beneath the layer of greed that has covered Fenway Park like plaque on teeth in a Crest commercial. A hot dog and a beer has been the meal of choice at Fenway Park since it was first opened in 1912. This is the working mans meal if one ever existed. While this is still the most popular selection for Fenway diners, it will now run you a not so blue collar $10 dollars for the combo. $10 dollar might not sound so bad, but this is about double what it would cost for the same thing anywhere else on the planet. The price is exponentially larger than it was before the organization decided to commercialize the idea of the Fenway Frank and Budwesier spent millions to be considered the official beer of the Boston Red Sox.
It is no secret that the Red Sox organization including players, management, and ownership have taken advantage of Red Sox fan loyalty over recent years to increase profits. The average ticket price is almost double the average of the rest of the league. Fans struggle to get tickets while local ticket agencies such as Ace mysteriously end up with hundreds of tickets for each game, and of course sell them for an inflated price. (More on that later) Jersey's go for over $100 each, hats reached prices of $40 after the World Series victory, and some food prices inside Fenway should be considered illegal. It seems the Red Sox aren't the only ones making money off the fans recently however; it looks like local businessmen caught the hunting bug and decided to bag some Red Sox Nationites as well. Of course like a well run organized crime group nothing moves without the boss saying so, and in this case the Red Sox are the boss. Here are three of the more lucrative business groups hunting fan's wallets.
1. Fenway Area Bars-On Christmas day 2005 the original Baseball Tavern was displaced in order to build luxury apartments, an era officially ended. An era that had been put in critical condition after Game On! and its $8 million dollar budget found its home at Fenway Park. Now Game On! is about as perfect a bar to watch a sporting event as ever was created; if you enjoy watching a game with upper class bandwagon fans, the pink hat crowd, and tourists. This bar set a trend in motion where bringing in the most fans to watch a game with good food, beer, and prices was no longer important. Instead it was to cater to the fan with the most money to spend. An $8 million dollar bar built around over priced food and giant flat screen HD tv's. It's neighbor the Cask N' Flagon was forced into winter renovations, these cost money and eventually reflect in the bill of the consumer. The Baseball Tavern was the true baseball fan's last stand in the Fenway area. A hole in the wall that oozed baseball history and had floors covered in beer stains from spilled $6.00 pitchers. That's right $6.00, if you do the math (5 beers in a pitcher, its $4.00 for one Budweiser at Game On!) it would cost you more than double that for the same amount at Game On!. Not too mention cheap food prices and a reputation for attracting only the most knowledgable of Red Sox fans from all walks of life, the pink hat and tourist crowd needed not apply. But after the World Series changes started to be made. All new flat screens were installed, prices were raised, and now it will move to a bigger and no doubt swankier location. It should not come as a surprise that the Red Sox are helping to facilitate the Baseball Tavern's move into a new location, after all why would the Red Sox want the riff raff that hung out in the old Baseball Tavenr around there park?
2. The Ticket Agencies-Possibly the most visual, yet still somehow secretive relationship in the world of sporting events is that between the teams and ticket agencies. While fans wait in line at the ticket window for hours, and eventually get sent away because a particular game is sold out, agencies hold massive amounts of tickets and sell at a premium price. Upper level bleacher seats for the upcoming Mets series are going for $125 dollars at Ace tickets, an incredible 600% increase above face value. And if these tickets don't sell by gameday, they will be pedaled outside and scalped for a premium price by an agency representative outside the park. If the Red Sox organization cared about the fan these agencies would be cut out. Scalping laws would be enforced outside the park and the actual fans would get a chance to buy face value tickets without sleeping outside of Fenway Park in order to do so.
3. The Boston Media-How many books can possibly be written about one team? Before the World Series victory dozens of books were written about the tortured fan base and the possible curse. Headlined by Dan Shaugnessy's "The Curse of the Bambino" which ran more updated editions than a World History text book. And then after the series it seemed like a race to see who could profit off the victory first as slews of books came out on the team. All selling at premium prices and most were nothing more than rehashing what happened throughout the year. If you are a Red Sox fan, and someone out there like you, there is a good chance you received one of these books for Christmas, and a loved one spent a large sum of money to get you a recap of something you just spent an entire year watching.
Despite all this, I as well as the majority of Red Sox Nation will continue to shell out cash for tickets, merchandise, and everything that comes along with the Fenway experience. It's the only game in town, and it's an addiction the majority of us were brought up on. The only thing we can really do is hope someone starts regulating hunting season before Red Sox Nation goes bankrupt.
Back in the Saddle
http://s19.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=s19southeastofdisorderAlright, this is the last time I'm going to try this, no more excuses. I have the time on my hands to keep this page up again and will do my best. I'm going to attempt to update 3 to 4 times a week. I know I had a long hiatus and thank those who emailed me asking if I was going to be updating any time soon. It helped me make a decision to get back into the saddle after the long layoff. Before I got a few emails I really thought only my friends were reading this thing, and didn't realize others were actually following along. Thanks for the positive feedback to those who did email. Time to get back on track.
