A Seinfeldian view of Mavericks-Heat
http://s19.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=s19southeastofdisorderAs the NBA playoffs came to a close Tuesday night, I decided to write a little Seinfeldian recap of what has taken place.
"We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you. Berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George... Hot Tub!" -Mr. Steinbrenner to George Costanza
This is for Mark Cuban. Cubes, its time to take a break this summer, relax, stay out of the spotlight, and maybe jump around in a big vat of money like the one in Ducktales. Your rich, do what you want as long as it means not tinkering with this team. You have turned the Mavs from a perennial loser into a team two wins from a championship. The team has progressed, San Antonio was conquered, and Avery Johnson has earned another year with these guys. Try not to be too big a distraction and let your basketball people figure things out.
"Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!" -Babu to Jerry Seinfeld
This is for the Dallas fans. It's a tight game 6, roughly 4 minutes to go and your team needs one last push. This is it, let it all hang out for your team. The Mavericks fans were silent down the stretch. They sounded defeated long before the final buzzer sounded. I don't know if TO has already killed every sports fan in Dallas, but this would never happen in New York, Boston, or Chicago. Never.
"It must've seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bedsheets." Elaine Benes about David Puddy
Here's too Shaq who just like Puddy is a large burly man with a childish mind that makes him such a likeable character. Shaq's skills as a player may of diminished, he may of been lazy and out of shape coming into this season, but he will never take too much flack for it because he is such a likeable player. He's a 7 foot 350 pound kid. He's always there for a good quote to the media and seemed to be the heart and soul of this team all year long. We may of just witnessed the last good run he has left in him. Here's to hoping he sticks around the game in some way or another after he retires, his character is good for the NBA.
"You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
"Oh yeah, Riley? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller." -George and Riley
Here's to Gary Payton, your all out of zingers. One of the best trash talkers in history can no longer back up any of his talk. It's time to go away. Not only has his play and value dropped considerably, but it seems he has completely lost his mind. During Game 6 he caused what at the time was a costly turnover because he decided to have a conversation with the referee mid game. The turnover led to an eventual Stackhouse 3 pointer. It's always an odd feeling watching a great player who has hung on way too long. If he doesn't hang it up now, then hopefully he will go to Seattle for a final farewell, and then we can be done with him.
"What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?"
"What?"
"Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."
"No we're not. We're not men."
-Jerry and George
For Erick Dampier and Desagna Diop. Both have had times in the last few years where they have disappointed. So here's how to solve that, work out as hard as humanly possible with each other over the off season. Diop made leaps and bounds this year by simply losing weight and getting into shape. Now continue the transformation and work on a few low post moves, then Dallas has a very good center for the future. Dampier has proven when motivated he can be a very good center in this league, that is until he gets the money he wants. He had a good series against Shaq, now he needs to get in the gym and find a way to motivate himself. If he rests on his laurels all summer he will become the token overpaid bench player for the Mavs.
"Who wants to have some fun?" -Cosmo Kramer
For Michael Doleac, after all, what could be more fun than being the token white guy for an NBA championship.
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist." -George Costanza
For Dwayne Wade, who secured a spot in the conversation when it comes to talking about the most dominate playoff performances in history. Throughout the playoffs and finals he found ways to get to the rim and the free throw line. He hit miraculous shot after miraculous shot. He also knew when to take over, and when to let Shaq, Antoine, and Jason Williams get there touches. A simply legendary performance.
"Columbus, Eurotrash" -Jerry
To Dirk Nowitki who could of been the first foreign born superstar to win an NBA title. He struggled to get it going in the finals, which unfortunately may mean the rest of his playoffs will be forgotten. It seemed Dirk had finally proved he could dominate on the big stage. He knocked off Duncan and Nash. If he played in the finals the way he did against San Antonio and Phoenix the idea the of European players being soft may of finally been thrown out the window. Instead we can now look forward to another year of experts questioning the toughness of European's. Congratulations Dirk, not only did you let down your country and your continent, but you let Hasselhoff down as well.
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
- Sidra
To Pat Riley and his 5 rings. Riley did what he set out to do. Love him or hate him, he is going down as one of the best of all time. This sealed it, if he doesn't win another game his legacy is set.
"My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
"You've made some fine exits." - George and Jerry
Finally, to Stan Van Gundy. It's got to hurt knowing that you leaving is one of the biggest reasons the Heat won. Hopefully you find a job in the NBA as a head coach in the near future, but let's face it. Riley is an NBA legend, you can't possibly hold yourself to his type of standards. Hopefully your stache has helped you land on your feet and your living it up in the world of late night Cinemax. Rest happily knowing your exit may of been the best thing that ever happened to this team.
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